#avpd recovery

[avoidantrecovery]

we need to talk about ostracism, self-isolation and rejection sensitivity

I've been reading about ostracism and was really surprised to find out how impactful it is in people's lives and how little it is talked about.

To keep things short (according to Kipling D. Williams, one of the leading scientists on the subject):

ostracism is the act of being ignored or excluded

it's different from bullying or other more "engaging" abusive behavior in that it's about completely shunning a person, excluding them, not talking to them or engaging them, not arguing, simply treating them like air

when a person is ostracized, the same parts of the brain are activated that activate for physical pain

taking a tylenol actually dampens the pain of ostracism

people feel the pain of ostracism, even if the group ostracizing them is filled with people they don't like

something as simple as the silent treatment or deliberate denial of eye-contact or handshakes can be considered ostracism

four needs are threatened when a person is ostracized: belonging, self-esteem, control and meaningful existence

it activates an ancient fear of being abandoned and left to fend for one's life alone

the ostracized will go through three phases: reflexive (immediate negative affect and pain), reflective (efforts to re-connect with group via social conformity; if this is not possible aggression or self-isolation and development of rejection-sensitivity) and resignation (long term ostracism: feelings of alienation, depression, helplessness and worthlessness)

For me, AvPD began after an ostracism event paired with other bullying I was going through at the time. This was many years ago, however there is a through-line from that event to who I am today. After being ostracized by a group of girls in my new school, I tried my best to negotiate my behavior, clothes, etc... and be re-included. And the moment I thought I had been re-included in their group (they pretended), they pranked me, which nearly led to me drowning during a school trip. From that day on, not deliberately, I slowly began to self-isolate and separate from other kids. I became very sensitive to rejection and just couldn't place why, I definitely hadn't been like that prior. I had been very extroverted by nature, but suddenly would not go anywhere other kids might be (like playgrounds or toy shops etc…)

Even when I did form friendships with people, later on, it was more of a mirroring and masking, never deep friendships and no relationships. I was still negotiating, trying my best to not put myself at risk of ostracism again. Same for education and jobs.

Anyway, after reading about ostracism and just how strong the impact can be, I believe this is why AvPD developed for me. I don't know if anyone else ever experienced similar, I feel like ostracism is something that is easy to overlook. I always thought that the near-drowning is what had been a key event for me. But it was actually the prior ostracism that made the near-drowning so much more potent as an event. The strong desire to be re-included in the group and only to have the rug pulled from under me and literally be left for dead. That lead to me then self-isolating and so on... can anyone relate?

(The book is called "Ostracism, Exclusion and Rejection" by Kipling D. Williams). There is also an article in the Scientific American on the topic: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-pain-of-exclusion/

[asuddencold]

Something i'm really struggling with as a concept now that i'm teying to recover from avpd and forming close relationships is that, by virtue of being human, i WILL fuck up. And i have to pick up what i broke and act in order to fix it instead of giving up, deciding that i'm irredeemable and hiding in a hole somewhere for the rest of my life. And obviously that's my first instinct, but i know i have to actually work through that and it's e x h a u s t i n g. I have no clue how regular people do this, BUT I'LL GET THERE ONE DAY

Credit to @roachie-paradise for the wonderful sticker

[fairiencarnate]

As often as you can, reflect on who you used to be compared to where you are now. Think of what you've accomplished, how you've improved. Even and especially the little improvements. Let yourself feel proud. You are ever-growing ♡

[livingzomboy]

some of yall forgot, so im gonna remind you:

- Moral Purity is unattainable. This is recognized in philosophy too.

-Moral purity culture today is HEAVILY ableist

- Immoral actions can be justified

- Your personality disorder doesnt make you a "bad person" even if it makes you do "bad" things

- Moral Purists are NOT welcome in real leftist spaces

-Moral Purity is pushed even more in christianity, which should tell you all you need to know.

- You deserve love , even if moral purists label you a "bad person"

- You deserve love. Period. Full Stop.

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

Wishing that I could be softer and sweeter and more loving and affectionate but simultaneously being absolutely disgusted and repulsed and enraged by the very notion is kind of exhausting actually

[ed-recoverry]

Shoutout to religious people struggling with mental illness.

Shoutout to all Christian mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Jewish mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Muslim mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Hindu mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Buddhist mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Sikh mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Shintoist mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Taoist mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Zoroastrian mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Shaman mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Confucian mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Baháʼí mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Jain mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Cheondoist mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Caodaist mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Druze mentally ill folks.

Shoutout to all Sarnaist mentally ill folks

Struggling internally and still keeping your faith is something to be proud of. It’s okay to question, waver, and change your mind. Any healthy coping mechanism is a win.

This is not meant to invalidate non-religious mentally ill folks as well! You are also just as valid and loved and worthy.

[roguetheflowerchild]

Moving out at 18 because you have no choice for your mental health is a lot

[hel7l7]

I love my friends so much and never know how to properly tell them

[catomoji]

Man i dont even want this blog to be that depressing. I want to prove that i can get through this but i just dont know if im ever going to feel true happiness

[avoidantrecovery]

i do wonder what kind of a person i would have turned out to be, if instead of self-doubt, harsh criticism, shame, self-hate, someone would have poured the opposite into me.

self-trust, gentleness, kindness, self-love. who would i have become? and do i still have access to that potential?

[asuddencold]

Oh my fucking God

Holy fucking shit

I justopened up to my partner about my mental health issues (ok, not abt the sui attempts and hospitalizations, but everything else basically)

And she didn't run away

She's an angel i swear

I'm still trembling

I can't believe i did that

That's good right? Opening up

Avdbsvdjsksvrjdmddvsnzbs

[fairiencarnate]

Me: *opens up emotionally in an honest and genuine manner about something that means a lot to me*

Me:

[avoidant-dreams]

shame spirals

my rejection sensitivity is particularly severe at the moment.

i feel like one trigger in a relationship causes such a ripple effect where i spend days/weeks spiralling over every shameful thing i've ever done or every criticism i've received. it's like your brain is like hey remember all this horrible stuff that happened and remember when all these other people criticised and judged you, let's back out of this relationship now and get back to safety.

i need to not shame myself that this is how i deal with shame, i need self-care. i can hunker down but i can treat myself with respect because people have bullied and abused me relentlessly so my reactions make sense. i can comfort myself that these people were awful, but not everyone is, and if i need time away from a relationship because of shame triggers it is absolutely okay to do that.

we are good enough

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

sometimes I get the feeling that nobody gets how dysfunctional and weird my life really is and that its probably all my fault because as hard as I might try I cannot seem to mention how bad things actually are without throwing lol in there somewhere. y’know what I mean lol

[fagbearentertainment]

I rly need to my a google doc or tumblr master post for all my oc lore, it ranges from big pivotal moments I want to animate to random small details that will literally never come up unless asked a very specific question

[stars-in-our-skies]

maybe you are a burden and that's fine. maybe you do suck and that's fine. maybe you're not doing your best and that's fine. maybe you truly are the worst person alive and that's fine. maybe it isn't about what thoughts you have or how good you are with people or if you have sex or if you're into a weird thing or if you feel "wrong" or if you are honestly draining to be around or if you are a massive failure and can't do anything right or how many mood swings you get or if you have a short temper. maybe it's just about being alive for now